When all you have in your tool-box is a hammer

An All But Empty Tool Box

When all you have in your tool-box is a hammer, everything begins
to look like a nail…


Due to the vagaries of life, I have been a primary care giver for two sets of biological children.

My first years were 1969 - 1975. My first child was a daughter born in 1969. I was a graduate student and part-time college instructor. These years were during the counter-culture period. A Dad and his daughter were viewed as trend setters and breaking new ground. It was assumed that I would be a model for male parenting for the future.

My second period began in 1994 with the birth of my third child and first son. At age 51 I was almost always mistaken as the grandfather. As a grandfather with a feminine touch and therefore a welcome and admired addition.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “driving while black,” which refers to a perception that black drivers are more likely to be stopped by cops. This was whispered in the African-American community for years before it broke out into the wider cultural conversation and was gradually validated by empirical studies.

Similarly, stay-at-home dads have whispered for years about feeling unfairly targeted for "parenting while male," and recently their concerns have started to get mainstream attention.

In last week's Wall Street Journal, Free-Range Kids author Lenore Skenazy explored what happens when “when almost any man who has anything to do with a child can find himself suspected of being a creep.”

At some point, though, I realized being a full-time father was my role and that’s what my wife and kids needed more so than a paycheck. Once I reached this mindset, what other mothers thought of me didn’t matter anymore. I just did the best I could, and tried to be as charming as possible. In a way, it turned the tables because most of these mothers had insecurities of their own in their role.

I think that’s the best answer. Just do the best you can. Love your kid shamelessly, and don’t hold back. Reach out and build relationships. Be a big boy and rise above the playground squabbles—hard as it may be. The kids—and the country—will be better off for it.

“It’s clear dads have become much more hands-on when it comes to parenting. From cooking meals to driving the kids to soccer practice, dads have been consistently taking on increased roles at home. Here at Salary.com, we see fathers as versatile workers who perform a myriad of day-to-day jobs that would make them attractive and valuable to any employer.”

Just in time for Father’s Day, Salary.com has released an intriguing survey of 1,074 stay-at-home and working dads.
This year’s survey found stay-at-home dads work an average of 52.9 hours a week. Factoring in base pay plus overtime, these dads would earn $60,128 a year. Working fathers would be paid $33,858 a year after spending 30.6 hours a week on parenting duties. And that’s on top of working an average of 44 hours a week at their day jobs.
The survey was in part motivated by the 154,000 American men who became stay-at-home dads last year.

But how about we start giving dads the love they deserve

The majority of the men responding reported that they spent at least 30 hours a week as primary caregiver. Twenty-four percent claimed they had been refused entry to a playground or playgroup, while a majority had felt they had been criticized by other parents in public. Most also felt this treatment was based on the fact that they were male.

If these men, who are not only fathers on the playground, but coaches, role models, and mentors, too—if these men are prevented from being human in this way, what is that teaching the children about the role men play in their lives? A society that believes in gender equality should recognize the importance of men as well as women in raising kids. As more and more men take on the traditional homemaker’s role, we are going to see a lot more dads at mom’s groups. Moms, you’re going to have to make room. But this is a good thing.

Jeremy Adam Smith's book is a long awaited and much needed new perspective on the roles of men in the emotional development of children. Particularly boys.
When a boys emotional development kit contains nothing but a hammer, the world of such boys is seen as a landscape full of nails to be hammered into submission.
Pray that stay--at-home Dads offer our boys a rich variety of new tools for their kits.